


Day 23 - Shared Grief

by moonblossom



Series: Pre-Nickels Nickels 30 Day Challenge [23]
Category: Cut & Run - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Funeral, Grief, M/M, Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-24
Updated: 2014-10-24
Packaged: 2018-02-22 11:20:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2505905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonblossom/pseuds/moonblossom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shared grief is half the sorrow.</p><p>
  <a href="http://wintergrey.dreamwidth.org/15168.html">Day 23: A Funeral</a>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Day 23 - Shared Grief

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning - I cried while writing this. If you're not in the mood for sadness, feel free to skip it.

The priest's voice droned on and on, a low buzzing in Kelly's ears. Candles flickered on either side of the pulpit and he stared at them for so long he felt nearly dizzy. Admittedly, he wasn't really paying attention to the service. His own religious upbringing had been fractured and inconsistent as he moved around through the foster system. This wasn't to say that Kelly didn't _believe_ , he just didn't necessarily believe in the hellfire and brimstone that the man up there was discussing.

Besides, if there was any one of them who was definitely **not** destined for said hellfire and brimstone, it was Eli. And in Kelly's mind, Eli wasn't here any more. He had moved on already, and this ritual was more for the comfort of his family than anything.

He sat stiffly in the pew, his dress uniform strangely uncomfortable. Rather than continue to stare blankly at the priest, he cast a glance at his brothers-in-arms. Digger was sobbing openly, something that would have made Kelly chuckle under any other circumstances. Owen stared blankly ahead, unblinking and barely moving. Ty looked utterly haunted, his normally smiling face a grimace of pain.

And Nick... For once, Kelly couldn't get a read on Nick. He was nearly vibrating, his face constantly shifting between unfathomable grief and uncontrollable anger. More than once, Kelly caught him mouthing along with the prayer, and he wondered if Nick even realised he was doing it.

The six of them -- _no,_ Kelly mentally corrected himself with a shudder. _The five of them_ must have cut an intimidating picture, all cold stoicism in their uniforms. The rest of the mourners had given them a wide berth, leaving an entire pew empty behind them.

Beside him, Nick shuddered. Kelly reached out and placed a hand on his knee, squeezing gently. He'd meant to comfort Nick, but the contact grounded him as well. Without looking at him, Nick reached down and covered Kelly's hand with his own.

Eventually, the sermon came to an end and the five of them stood, joined by one of Eli's cousins. They fell into step, walking slowly up towards the front of the church. Kelly felt detached from himself, like he was watching the procession from the balcony. They moved as if on autopilot, surrounding the flag-draped casket.

It was supported on a wheeled bier that made Kelly think of a stretcher. Not for the first time, he found himself wondering if he would have been able to save Eli had he been there. He bit his lip and took a deep breath, taking up his place at one of the handles. Thanks to the bier, their role as pallbearers was mostly symbolic, but as they started to march forwards, the weight of it nearly dragged him to the ground.

He stared straight ahead, focusing on the back of Owen's head. The air outside the church was damp and cold; something about it struck Kelly as perfect funeral weather. Again, he felt that strange sense of remoteness, like he was watching a movie. He wondered briefly if it was his brain's way of coping. He'd been to far more funerals than anyone should have at his age.

The grave site was close by, the hole dark and deep and foreboding. In a few minutes, Eli would be in there. Kelly blinked, feeling a tear roll down his cheek. _No_ , he reminded himself again. _Eli's not here any more. That's just a body._

Casket in place, the six of them stepped back. Eli's cousin slipped away to rejoin the family and the remaining members of Sidewinder stood sharply at attention.

As the flag was removed from the casket, Kelly felt his knees go weak. Silently, Nick reached out and braced one hand against Kelly's back. The ringing in his ears stopped and his legs solidified again. Nick's hand was warm against his back, stark against the ice running through his body. Kelly was immeasurably grateful for the contact.

He couldn't bring himself to watch as the casket was lowered, swallowed by the gaping maw in the ground. Somewhere in the crowd, a woman wailed. The sound was haunting and heartbreaking, the perfect soundtrack to the moment.

Each member of Eli's family went up to the grave and whispered a few words, tossing a handful of dirt into the hole as they bid their goodbyes. After they were done, the fractured remains of Team Sidewinder stood to do the same. Kelly watched as Ty dropped to his knees, dirtying his dress slacks. Eventually, he had to look away. He kept his eyes fixed on a monument up in the distance as Owen and Digger whispered their own farewells.

He stepped up to the hole, but looked towards the sky. "I can't..." Kelly's voice broke. "I can't take care of them all without you, bud. I feel like I've failed. You weren't supposed to go yet." He pulled one glove off and tossed a handful of dirt into the grave as the hot tracks of tears ran down his cheeks. As he straightened, he felt the solid, grounding weight of an arm across his shoulders.

Nick smiled down at him, but his eyes were full of pain.

"You don't have to do it alone, Kels. I've got your back. We'll do it together."

Kelly bit his lip and nodded. The five of them stood shoulder-to-shoulder and saluted. He heard another broken cry from somewhere around the grave and bit his lip.

 _I promise you, Eli._ Kelly sent his thoughts up into the sky. _I'll keep an eye on the rest of them until they're ready to go see you again._


End file.
